Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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