bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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