If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
