Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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