Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
