Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
