When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
