I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
