Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
