u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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