I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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