Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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