I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
