I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
