he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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