don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
