dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
