I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
