I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
