Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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