I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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