my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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