I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
