How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
