Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
