My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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