But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
