Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
