I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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