i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
