It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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