my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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