I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
