my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
