I want to make a zoo with you.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
