Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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