I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
