Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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