I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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