my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
