I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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