i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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