you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
