He uses pillows to masturbate.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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