i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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