i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We're too hungover to prance.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
