When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
