After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
