I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
wrigley field is MILF paradise
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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