So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
