I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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